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I am overweight.
There, I said it.
My BMI says it. And before you say that a BMI isn’t an accurate measure because it doesn’t take into account muscle weight… I’m almost entirely sure most of my body weight is fat because I am in no way muscular and can’t even remember the last time I exercised.
I have a gut on me that sticks out over the top of my jeans… which are a size 14 by the way. I wear almost exclusively dresses (some size 10, mostly size 12), in particular ones that are fitted in the chest and flow out with no clinging. For a t-shirt to be big enough not to cling to my stomach it ends up way too big everywhere else, so I don’t wear t-shirts. I think I’m pretty good at dressing for my shape.
I’m overweight and it’s my own fault, nobody else’s. I’m lazy. I like food. I have a sweet tooth. I snack when I’m bored. I eat chocolate when I’m feeling down.
I know all this about myself and that’s okay.
The thing is, I’m at kind of an in-between weight. I don’t think someone trying to describe me to someone else would say “Anna’s fat.” They might say chubby or curvy or mention my boobs, but fat? Surely not. I still get hit on in bars by guys I find attractive so that must mean something right? Nobody thinks I’m fat right? But the sad thing is, when I think about this possibility, I really hope nobody would describe me as fat.
But why?
When I was in a musical recently, I was doing pretty well. Lots of great compliments on my voice from other cast members, the director, musical director and vocal coach. I put my all into it and felt confident doing it.
Then talk came of the next musical coming up – Hairspray! And lo and behold I get a bunch of people in the show telling me I’d be great for the lead. Tracy Turnblad. The Fat Girl.
I was upset.
It should have been a compliment, having people think I have the vocal talent to sing all Tracy’s songs and dance all her dances. Tracy is a kickass character in a high energy musical with a lot of really cool songs. She doesn’t let her body size get in the way of going after her dreams and she’s always happy, bubbly, and doesn’t judge others. I should be proud to play her.
But whenever anybody told me I just had to audition for Tracy all I heard was “You’re fat. You are fat enough to play the part of the fat girl in the fat musical.” It especially stung because not a single person said “Obviously you’d need to wear a fat suit.” Or “You’d be great as Tracy if they padded your costumes”.
All it made me think was “Wow. All these people think I’m fat. Time to lose some weight!”
Who knows if this is true, but who cares? What exactly is so terrifying about being considered fat?
A lot of it is the word fat. Sure you can call me curvy, voluptuous, and even chubby – but fat? No way. Society has told us all our lives that fat is bad and shitty people have treated fat people badly. A Tui billboard read “I’ll take the fat chick – yeah right!” Even though not everyone has this mind-set, it’s still prevalent enough to make some fat people, especially women, feel self-hatred and desperately want to change. I know I’ve thought a few times “My life will be better when I lose some weight.” Why am I thinking that when I have an awesome life as it is? I won’t go into the whole “media ideals of beauty are unrealistic and unfair” rant because you’ve heard it all before…
But if you think about it, you’ve probably all met one fat person who is unpleasant. They’re grumpy all the time, they seem miserable; they assume if you’re being nice to them you have ill-intent. They assume that if they’re being hit on it’s for a dare. They’re angry when their thinner friends get hit on, and yet respond coldly if someone approaches them. They’ve let being overweight change their demeanour. Years of snide remarks and being picked on has left them assuming the worst in everyone and hating their body. This makes me pretty sad. And it’s all because of fat-shamers. The ones who point and laugh. The ones who make jokes. The ones who act repulsed if a fat person talks to them because they’re desperate to let that person, and everyone else around, know that fat people don’t have a chance in hell with them and they’re offended by the idea that anyone would think so.
So a message for the fat-shamers out there: What does someone else’s weight have to do with you? It isn’t your body; you don’t get a say.
Yes, there are health issues associated with being overweight but frankly, that has nothing to do with anyone else. Somebody’s weight is nobody’s business but their own and their doctors. Yet some people act like it’s a personal insult to themselves to see a fat person. How dare they be there, looking like that, right in front of me! How gross! How dare they wear something tight fitting, showing off how disgustingly fat they are! How dare they eat a burger rather than a salad! Why don’t they go for a walk? Fat people are all lazy and unhealthy!
The truth is fat people are fat for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes it’s health (even mental health), sometimes it’s a lack of motivation but sometimes, maybe sometimes they just don’t give a shit what you think and don’t feel like their body is here for anyone else’s benefit and viewing pleasure. Sometimes maybe they enjoy life more just chilling out eating whatever they want, whenever they want. Maybe they’re exercising and eating all the right foods and still aren’t losing weight. Maybe they like their body when it’s got more meat on it. Maybe it doesn’t matter.
My body is mine. It’s just what I live in. Fat doesn’t define me. It’s simply my body type right now. It’s a lot of people’s body type right now. Fat or thin, I’m still the same person with the same interests, intellect, sense of humour etc.
Yet I don’t like going to the beach because, God forbid, someone might see my chubs. What the hell is that even about? Why does it matter what anyone else thinks? It is literally just enjoying the sunshine, hanging out and going for a swim – you can do that no matter what size you are… so why is it such a stigma for fat people? Why do people worry that they will be made fun of?
Sometimes people’s reactions to other people’s bodies can be depressing though. When I used to go out to clubs with my friends, we would almost always get hit on in order of our clothing size. The thinner friends get talked to first. The bigger girls get ignored. At first this annoyed the plus sized ones. We’d sit around saying “We’re much nicer than her! We’re just as fun as her! It’s not fair that guys automatically go for her over us!”
But you know what, while I don’t think it’s necessarily fair that people might rather get to know a mean person who is thin than a nice person who is fat, I also think it’s not fair to be annoyed at someone for who they happen to be attracted to.
I’ve heard formerly fat people complain that people don’t hit on them when they’re overweight, but do once they’ve lost weight. I think if it’s the same person then yes, they should know better than to be so obvious as to shun the fat-you then hit on you when you’ve lost weight. That’s rude.
But I also feel like we all need to stop blaming other people for who they happen to be attracted to which they can’t help!
Yes, if someone blatantly ignores you when seated next to you at a dinner, or talks to all your friends and ignores you – that is definitely rude. Just because you’re not attracted to someone doesn’t mean it’s okay to exclude them. But I don’t think it’s fair to be annoyed at people for not hitting on you or wanting to date you.
Yes, in an ideal world everyone would look past appearances and get to know your personality and then date you no matter what you look like – and there will be many amazing people who will do just that. But there will also be a lot of people who aren’t attracted to you; perhaps they don’t find fat people attractive. Perhaps they do, but not as much as thinner girls. They can’t help that. I know I personally am attracted to skinny white guys almost exclusively. I would never ignore someone or not bother to get to know them just because I’m not attracted to them, but I also know it’s unlikely I’m going to end up kissing them if there is no spark, no attraction.
I just think we need to be realistic. It sucks that skinnier people get hit on more, but people can’t help that they happen to be more physically / sexually attracted to some body types than others. You could be missing out on someone very nice, but you could also be missing out on a judgmental, image-obsessed asshole who literally hates fat people and won’t even get to know them as a friend. PS: a certain male I was seeing once said he doesn’t like fat people. Seeing that pretty much all of my relatives on both sides of the family are overweight and all awesome, intelligent, hilarious people… this pissed me off. How can you just write someone off because of their weight? How does what their body look like negate all the wonderful things they have to offer? Shit’s sad. Good luck to the woman he marries if she ever becomes overweight! But I’m rambling…
So now the hard part: I know that when I am no longer overweight, more people will likely be attracted to me. Do I go for those people? Do I say “fuck it”, stay the weight I am and hope I find someone who digs it, or do I lose weight to increase the amount of people who will be attracted to me? Losing weight for the benefit of anyone but me isn’t cool… but being single (pretty much) for five years is getting old too. Dilemma!
If you want to only go for people who are attracted to you at any weight – that’s cool, you’ll probably end up with an amazing person. But there are probably just as many amazing people out there who you’re missing out on by being mad at them for not being attracted to fat people.
I think what it comes down to is whether or not you are happy with yourself. I don’t hate my body but there are parts I’d like to change. I’d like to be fitter. I’d like to wear t-shirts and slimmer fitting dresses. I’d like to see my arms in photos and not wish they were hidden. None of these things make me unhappy and none of them make me dislike myself or lose confidence – they’re just minor inconveniences in an otherwise awesome life. Perhaps that’s because I’m in the in-between weight, or perhaps that’s because I’ve gotten to a point in my life where I genuinely don’t care what other people think of me that I feel this way, but either way, there really are only positives to getting healthy, so it’s time to do it!
What I’d like to see is a world where fat is nothing but an adjective used to describe a body type. Where people can say they’re fat without it being a bad thing.
What do you do when a friend who is fat, says they’re fat? It’s just a fact. Yet it’s so hard to find the right words to say. “Yes. Yes you are fat. You’re fat and you’re awesome.” Not “BUT you’re awesome.” That’s what I’d like to say, but we’ve been taught our whole lives that fat is a bad thing. If a friend says they’re fat, the instant response is to say “No you’re not! You’re not fat!” But all that does is reinforce the idea that fat is bad. They know they’re fat, you know they’re fat, yet somehow acknowledging it is like saying there’s something really bad and wrong with them like they’re contagious. Like we have to pretend everyone is skinny. That’s just silly kids.
So to all the fat-shamers out there, just let this sink in: Sometimes people are fat. This does not change who they are as a person. This does not mean they should have to cover up to appease you. If they want to wear short shorts and get their tits (or man-tits) out, all the power to them. This does not necessarily mean they are lazy and even if they are – laziness doesn’t negate all the good qualities they have to bring to the table! You don’t have to be attracted to all people, that is your right, but you do have to be respectful of others no matter what their size. Fat-shaming is bad. It’s mean. It’s useless. Calling someone fat won’t make them say “Woah am I? Shit, you’re right, guess I better go on a diet.” No, it’ll just make them hate you and maybe even hate themselves.
Summer’s coming. Fat bottom girls, it’s yours to enjoy just as much as anyone else!
Bloody Brilliant! Inspirational!
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Fat people make some people feel disgusted. They just do. You could argue that it’s lame, but this won’t change the experience people have when viewing these people. I feel it doesn’t achieve much to say fat people are people too, so don’t be superficial. Because that isn’t how society works. You may NOW look at FAT people and feel good, but then look at mongrel mob dude with the same disdain others use when they view fat people. It’s not about fat people, it’s a about people in general. Disgust serves a purpose in society. It’s a way of getting people to feel bad and change their behaviour. Society doesn’t want to condone obesity, so we make people feel bad. This is the same thing we do when we look disgusted at rude people in a restaurant, because we don’t want them being rude. I may be able to change your attitude to most fat people, but then you will use the same old attitude (of disgust and disapproval) with the next person who walks through the door.
In saying that, you point is correct that making people feel bad doesn’t work. Society needs to evolve and find new ways of achieving the same goal. Perhaps through positive encouragement etc.
So it’s not just about fat people, we shouldn’t make anybody feel bad. Or should we? Maybe making people feel bad works. Like if somebody makes a racist remark and then everybody calls him a dick.
Not everyone feels disgust when they see fat people, and even if it’s a majority it does not make it okay. The majority of people thought segregation was okay once, How the majority feels (not that I’m saying disgust for fat people is a majority thing; I have no idea) is not always indicative of what is right. Not all feelings of disgust are rational or justified. Many people feel disgust when they see two men kissing. This does not mean it is a problem society needs to get rid of. It means those people who feel disgust need an attitude change. Sure, they may think they can’t help those feelings, but they are not there with everyone (I certainly feel NO disgust when I see a fat person, or a gay couple kissing) and they need to look at why they feel that disgust. People who grow up with gay relatives or friends tend to be less homophobic, I’m guessing people who look at fat people with disgust don’t have many fat people in their lives that they know well and love. It’s a fear of the unknown. The Mongrel Mob example is different. I don’t feel disgust – I feel intimidation. I am worried for my safety. When a group of people have a history of rape and assault and proudly wear colours to identify themselves, it’s kinda natural to be a bit wary. Fat people are not scary in that way. They don’t pose any real threat to you (unless it’s a big tall fat dude and you’re worried he could over-power you… but that’s not disgust at a fat person, that’s intimidation again). Rude people at a restaurant are doing something that affects other people. They are selfishly behaving in a way that ruins everyone else’s experience at the restaurant. Or they are being rude to a server and ruining that sever’s night. A person who makes a racist remark is being hurtful to someone who is of the race mentioned. In those examples listed, it’s okay for others to speak up and tell them off, because they are behaving in a way that is harmful to others. Just like it’s okay for certain establishments to have a “no patch or hoods” rule for gang members. Sure, hypothetically they could come in and be very sweet and polite and cause no trouble, but just like swastikas make others uncomfortable because of the hatred they represent, patches make people nervous for the same reason – the person associated with such things could be dangerous.
So now we come to fat people. Any kind of person can be fat. The rude ones and racist ones should be called out on their behaviour just as you would a skinny person. But what about just a normal, friendly, happy, intelligent, funny fat woman? She poses no threat to you. She has a job, she has a family who she loves, she has hobbies and interests and friends. She contributes to society. Why do you think it’s okay to feel disgust when you look at her? She is not doing anything to harm you by being fat. Her life doesn’t affect you. She is simply, to some people, “icky” to look at. She might be unhealthy, she might not. Yes, we want a healthier nation, but it doesn’t mean fat people deserve to be treated like second class citizens – that the way they look outweighs (no pun intended) every other good thing they have to offer society. That people should deny them friendship and kindness. Ignoring fat people, looking down on them, calling them names, shaming them etc is only going to make them miserable and make them hate everyone else and themselves. If you hate your body, you aren’t going to look after it. You think they’re going to lose weight and come out with a totally healthy outlook on people after that? Doubt it. Positive reinforcement is the way to go – but only about health, and not from individuals. Someone else looking a way that you don’t personally find attractive is not a good enough reason for them to change. The health benefits are there for fat people to see, they don’t need to be reminded by random people on the street; that’s patronising. Their health isn’t your business. You don’t know them from a bar of soap.
“Why do you think it’s okay to feel disgust when you look at her?” I’m not saying whether it’s right or wrong, and you’re right it doesn’t matter what the majority think, AND Nobody ‘deserves’ to be treated as second class citizens! ; rather the issue of feeling disgusted, or at least being disproving of, is a natural reaction found all through-out society. I agree that it isn’t helpful to make the person you disapprove of feel bad, but I’m objecting to the theme in your blog that disapproving of people is such an arseholeish thing to do, because we do it ALL the time. You may not do it to gay people, but you may disapprove of people who disapprove of gay people. We are all arseholes, by your criteria. If I am not disapproving of fat people, I’ll be disapproving of somebody else in society since there are always people we don’t like. AND before you say, fat people don’t do anything wrong, nobody said our dislikes etc are based on rational facts.
Your argument is, you shouldn’t hate fat people because your reasons are not valid. But the truth is, you shouldn’t hate anybody. Our reasons are never valid because we never have all the facts. We don’t know why people do things. Somebody who is a real jerk may have no friends and is depressed? Who knows.
So your advice, taken to the extreme, is never make judgements about others. And that is a pretty fair piece of advice; but it’s not that realistic or applicable.
I’d like to turn this upside down and say you don’t have a valid reason to tell fat-haters to stop. They are obviously doing it because fat people scare them or they simply need somebody to hate to feel better about themselves. You may say who are we to judge fat people, but who are we to judge people who judge fat people!
To reply to your “but judging people who judge others is just as bad!” (it isn’t) I will direct you to this article as it articulates it better than I can: http://weeklysift.com/2012/09/10/the-distress-of-the-privileged/ I linked it on my fb a while back and either you or Grant complained about it’s length. Too bad, read the whole thing.
Yes, people have reasons behind their negative actions, but it doesn’t excuse them. Even if the school bully has a terrible home life, doesn’t mean I have to love him when he’s abusing kids left right and center. They need to take responsibility and get help (or someone needs to get help for them). Again, just because it’s something we do “all the time” doesn’t mean we should just accept it as part of life. Nothing will ever change if you take that mindset. It is not assholeish to disapprove of somebody who harms or intimidates others or makes life difficult for them. It is assholeish to disapprove of someone who is doing nothing wrong and not affecting anyone else (except triggering their natural disgust emotion, apparently). Even if you can’t control how you feel about something, you can think about why you feel that way and try and stem it. You can choose not to act on your repulsion if it is irrational.